Although the mourning process brings a sort of unwanted acceptance of what has happened I am still affected by the loss some 20 years on but in a different form.
As an adult I have no-one to ask even simple questions to. "What was I like as a baby?" "Did I 'do this' or 'do that'?" I have lost my role model for being a Mother when I need it most - as a Mother myself.
It strikes me at strange times, when filling in a health form I cannot ask "Have I had Chicken Pox" or "What is our family history of heart disease?" as there is no-one to answer, no-one to check with and at times the feeling of loss is overwhelming. I want to be able to call her and ask advice, compare her thoughts and experiences to my own and just sometimes to have the closeness that is shared between a Mother and Daughter.
I think although the common mourning process is over it lingers on in the gaping hole of wanting - wanting more, wanting to see her, to speak to her and to know I am doing ok. It feels selfish to feel this way but it is natural in some way I suppose. I have traveled this far in my role as a Mother alone and I am angry and sad it has been this way. I want to show her my children, her grandchildren and for them to know her. Photo's and memories are not enough to really portray a person for who they were and what they meant and still mean to you.
Losing a parent in your teens is tough to put it mildly but the ongoing affect on your adult life is sometimes just as tough. It is not as raw as it was, still not forgotten but even now the memory brings sad thoughts as well as happy memories of a woman that was strong, loving and still bitterly missed.