Wednesday, 9 November 2011

I am struggling to believe in the point of having beliefs.

I am struggling.  In the last 4 months 3 close and loved friends have died - to be honest it has thrown me totally. They are people I have known for years, laughed with, cried with, celebrated with and feel have made my life richer for knowing.

I am left questioning how I can believe there is a reason or justification for this.  How do others when faced with the same or similar situation still believe there is a 'higher purpose' or 'God' - does this make me a bad person? Does this lack of faith that has been with me since my Mum and Dad sadly passed away make me terrible or is it just how everyone feels at a time like this?

As both my parents died before I was in my mid twentys, I have spent all of my adult life without a close family unit ( I have 3 siblings but due to circumstances in the past only really speak to 1) and my friends are my 'family'.  I value my friendships and although at times I may not speak every fortnight or every week, I do feel I can call them at any time, as they could with me, and speak as though we had spoken just the day before.  This is in my eyes priceless and what friendship is about.

God or belief does not come into my friendships or any of my day to day encounters and I like it this way - I do not have the desire required to believe in them and respect those that do especially if they in return respect my non-beliefs.

Death has left me angry, frustrated, helpless and devastated and I feel useless to help knit together the gap left by my loss - this feels selfish but in my raw state it is my honest feeling. I do not feel they have gone to a better place and I wish I could.  Right now I am struggling.