Monday, 25 July 2011

My experience as a teenager - still so hard to write.

This is a hard post for me to write and I know I will write, remove and rewrite it many time as I always find it so difficult to put words onto screen when it involves deep emotional feelings and this post is definitely that.

Wow where to start.... is it harder because I have never written it down or is it because my mind is confused on how to get it all out there and be able to finish it - tears flood when the thought even enters my mind.  I think the best way is to describe it from a black and white prospective as this somehow makes it easier... if that's possible.  I will relay it as best as my memory allows although a lot of it is deeply etched and will never be forgotten.

I am 18 years old and pregnant with my first child.  I have been married for a short while and I have lovely photo's of my Mum, Dad and myself on the day.  I get an unexpected call from my older sister and the call starts with 'You need to sit down...followed by  - are you alone?  Without thinking I immediately sit and shake my head 'no' as if my sister can see me.  The next few sentences don't really sink in at first... "You know Mum's been ill recently, well it's serious" Cancer - my Mum the two don't go with each other but from that moment on they would have to.

The next few months of my pregnancy are a blur to be honest and I can only remember being with my Mum in hospital and her telling me that I should not be there and I should be resting - I can remember telling her that I am in the right place should anything happen. That was typical of my Mum to worry about everyone else when it should be the other way round.  I remember her going to theatre with a piece of Rose Quartz crystal under her hospital bed as she had read it had the ability to heal - I was worried it might get lost on the way, ha stupid naive me - looking back I should have not even have been thinking about a bloody rock!

My Mum was back in hospital again when I went into labour and because of this was unable to see my son for a short period of time after he was born but I wrote to my Mum from my new son saying how much he was looking forward to meeting her and how brave his mum had been through the labour - my Mum returned a letter to him which I still have now but find it too hard to read any more saying how she had dreamt about him and how she could picture him in her mind.  I am thankful that she got to meet him but the year of his birth is also the year of her death - she died when he was 8 months old.

Losing a parent at any age is life changing, gut wrenchingly awful and it feels like you will never ever feel anything other than a huge black hole of loss and that part of you has been ripped away - I still do even now 19 years later, but the pain changes into a sort of unwanted acceptance that you will never see a person again (although I am hopeful in that I do not believe this is the end).  Next year it will be 20 years since I last saw her and that gives me a strangled choking feeling in my throat - 20 years!  My Dad died following a heart attack not 5 years after my Mum, and in some way this was easier than Mum dying as they would 'be together'. From aged 24 I was without parents and that is how it has been since then - I have no-one to ask what I was like when I was younger, if I have had German Measles or anything else and I have to think long and hard some days to picture their faces - that hurts like you couldn't believe. It is getting to hard to say any more now but I just want to say one last thing:

Mum, Dad - I miss you. I wish you could have been part of my children's lives and mine every day.  I am ashamed I cannot instantly recall your faces but have to conjure up a photograph in my memory to make this happen.

When I see my daughter smile I see your smile Mum and my eldest son has your laid back attitude Dad. I hope I have made you proud, you are never far from my thoughts,

           your daughter x