Friday, 8 July 2011

How do you know when enough is enough?

A small dark nagging question keeps rising to the surface of my mind - how do you know when enough is enough?

Let me explain further....

I spent the morning with 3 friends having coffee.  Joining us was Little Man and one of my friends 2 week old baby.  We compared just how quickly babies grow and the difference in size between Little Man and the new baby - there it was, the darkness.

Since I was 18 years old I have been a Mother.  For longer than I was 'BC' (before children) I have had the Mummy title.  It is the biggest part of who I am and when I look at Little Man I find it really hard to think that he is my last baby.  It makes me so sad to know that I will never have a child smaller than he is now, never will I hear the small rasping breathes of a sound asleep newborn or the feeling of total overwhelming pride and love when you meet your baby for the first time.  The sadness at this is immense and consumes me enough to have me in tears at the prospect.

I have friends that have easily said after 1 or even 2 children "That's enough for me" but I do not seem to have that ability, that finality of decision.  It is not because I like being pregnant - in fact the opposite could be said. The pregnancy with Little Man was stressful (another story for another day) and as I am now in my late 30's it was also harder on my body than my first pregnancy at 18 or even subsequent pregnancies in my 20's.  I felt sick all day for long after the usual 20 weeks and I suffered  at times with very low moods as I tried to accept my speedily expanding waistline. I would rather go through labour than be pregnant!

So with this in my mind I do not understand why I do not just accept that and know Little Man is the last of my children and instead I cry at the fact that he is growing, getting bigger and worse still will be one before I can blink - how selfish that feels.

But then again how do you know when enough is enough and how do you stop the aching feeling of wanting to hold time still and stop him from being any other way than how he is now?  Perhaps then that dark nagging question might just disappear...